Bread Crumbs

What is this violent war I fight, what is this fight I am fighting for
Is this a noble cause or just my wishful thinking in action
If I cant live for me, what is there to live for, If I cant choose to live, arent I already dying?
In these turbulent winds, my wings collapse
In this bitter cold my heart is frozen solid.
Theres so much to say and no one to talk to, theres so much to see but no one to share
On the outside Im all put together, on the inside Im just as messy as you
This isolation has gotten me thinking that being alone is not all that bad
But when in the dark my arms are reaching, for someone to hold me, to keep my feet on the ground
Sometimes I think the night terrors might take me, swallow me whole and spit me out
make a mess of my image, blur the lines, separate me dark from light
My hearts all a flutter and I cant seem to breathe
and Im still reeling from the last few years.
Secretly Im hiding from my own dirty shame and yet somehow Im searching for a hand to hold
Like that rabbit hole, Im left to follow
A demons plot to pull me down
Into a world of triks and trips, of hidden passages to another realm
I peek through my hands and tip toe around
Its the same nightmare Ive lived 1000 times
Time here is precious and fear travels fast, pictures whisper strangely arming their frames
Scars here are lasting longer than knives
and bruises are pooling atop the skin
Were mortals mere mortals, claiming the sky
like Gods claim lives, like cupid pierces souls
Yes here I am an island unto myself
Washed by the sea's ebbing tide
Baptized by the salty serpent like waves wearing down my edges one grain at a time
I question daily my weakening grasp, I hate my own will to do whats right
Im bound by my honor that keeps me true, but I harbor angry thoughts just the same as you
Listen to the words that arent yet escaping
Feel the scars that wont be undone
Look past my pathetic shadow and see for yourself that I cant stand
Follow my bread crumbs and see that theyre stale
Cause this girl is long gone and the trail has long ago gone cold
This girl is still playing with dolls, though her face is now too old
Im stuck in a basket not quite alive, Im aching for someone to strengthen my grip
Im turning and yearning for someone to hold me, while I try desperately to push them away
I need someone to fight against, someone to kick me when Im already down
My hands are so needy and my eyes so hard
Like a weathered addict, too old in the face
Ive been used and controlled
traded and freed
One part escaped and the other there died
The past blows past me unconvincingly hidden
And the leaves trickle down masking the secret trail.