From last year

I hurt, all the time, when unoccupied I am dying. I wonder if this is all worth it? Is my life worth it? I am getting use to being alone, its not so bad. The part that kills me is the finality of the situation without any explanation or reason. The only conclusion is that there is something wrong with me. I am not alone because I choose to be, I am alone because of something less definite. Am I somehow acting out some unfinished bit of the past, an unconscious reconciliation of a past hurt? Or maybe it is simply the fact that I am incapable of having meaningful relationships, maybe I just need too much, love too much, hope for too much, expect too much, trust too much. I do trust too much. Why, why haven’t I learned, by now I should have known better. I shut off after each hurt and then eventually someone new comes along and I trust that this time they really do care for me, they know me, wouldn’t hurt me. See its not just the fact that this is happening, the pain of it, it is the fact that I hate myself for trusting, I hate myself. Of coarse I have to deal, focus on food and hate, body, exercise, more hate, sleep. If I could I would never wake up. I live because I know it is a sin to kill myself, that is it. I just want to
be unconscious, to be free from
this thing that plagues me
Day and night. The hurt never Stops, the replaying of thoughts stops only while I am busy and then they return like an unwanted flood, souring any moment of happiness I have. The bishop promised me in a blessing that in time *the unnamed friend* would come to appreciate my friendship, I was relieved at first, but after the blessing I realized this doesn’t solve anything. The thing I want the most is the thing that I cant have. Even in time if she comes around I cant. Each relationship has taken pieces of me, shattered and stolen parts of me, but this time is different than all the others. This time, I broke. My hurt , this hurt, will never be healed regardless of her future actions. This time it is more than just this here and now, this is about the future, this time someone has taken every ounce of trust I had left in me. Nothing will be able to repair it this time. As time went on I knew this was so much more than just hurt, that little girl realized that really no one understands, hears, or knows. I have been betrayed my more than just people, I have betrayed myself. Long ago I realized that no one was going to protect me. I realized in that moment that all I had was myself. Yet that human aching for protection and safety was still a part of me, I spent years stamping it out, but therapy retrained me to be open, to reach out. Yet that betrayal of a little girl could not and cannot be fixed, it is lost time, a lost cause. I don’t think I have ever really believed that anyone would get it, but I kept trying anyway. Why? To torture myself? Or to prove a point? To prove to myself that no matter how much I act like I believe deep down I know its just a game to see if I can get them to love me, to love the mask. But I believe now that I got in too deep, this time I allowed my heart to get in the way. I really believed this time. How could I be so stupid? Its human, it just human. I expect more out of myself than just human, human is weakness and I HATE weakness. Years of abuse, neglect, fear, and loneliness have finally caught up with me, in a way like never before. I was always so distracted with self destructing and avoiding that I didn’t have time to be logical or aware cognitively of myself and others, reality, or seeing my patterns clearly. I wasn’t aware of my past and present enough to put them together. This now is the time. This has hit me like a tornado with out the sirens. I didn’t have time to prepare myself for it this time. My defenses were down and my life is torn to hell. There is no semblance of structure or safety now, I am broken.