Sept, 8th 2005

Anxiety, I hate it. The last three weeks have been terror stricken. Mom was in the hospital for 8 days, question, wondering if death was waiting. Now therapy with my therapist....My body is still reacting. Stiff, tense muscles, restricted breathing, self-loathing, disappointment, and disgust. All I can do is hate myself for being like this, my body. The whole spirituality/sexuality is just too much for me to handle. Even just writing this my body is reacting. I just want to run, somewhere that I can be someone else, somewhere that my authenticity is not required.