Flighty Pursuit

Loneliness breathes, it breeds sheer sadness. To be loved, to be held, no such thing comforts me. I wonder how long it will last this time, this hopelessness, fear, uncomfortable hell. Imperfect as I am I cant get use to it, I expect so much and fail so often. In pursuit of something that doesn’t exist on this earthly plane, my mind takes flight to the future and dies in the present. I wish I could understand why I torture my soul so frequently, expect so much, reason without cause. I am in search of something better in the most painful way. What is so bad about me that I cant let myself be human, be alone, be sad, be hopeful in my hopelessness. Is it my lack of faith in my Savior who loves me? Is it my inability to let go and let God? Or is it just simply my transference of self hate onto my potential inside? No one can calm me, I cant quite reach out, just short of allowing myself to be free, I fumble in the cause. They say I am beautiful, smart, caring, I see a human black hole, invisible in my pain. I want so much to be touched, my heart, tenderly guided, and reassured. Verbally stunted in a tight binding around my tongue, so close to release, to allowing a real interaction of souls. I have resources I could never have dreamed of. I have accomplishments that I cannot comprehend.
I have love in my life that exceeds what I can take in yet I take nothing into my heart, just cognitive recognition. How pointless to have so many blessings, to have great expanses of futuristic journeys, then to have such a lack of confidence and self-love that I bury all things that are good to protect a girl that needs no protection. The past is long gone and yet it lingers in the inability to accept love. Even my own love. What use is a sound of strong beating hearts when my own ceases to beat when I let my hope die. I am strong, I am weak, I cant decide how to move. Somewhere my potential resides inside of me. I use to pray, to wish that someone would save me, with a great swoop they would dissolve my insecurities. I thought that if someone would just see me, really see me that they could erase the self-hate. All along I was the one standing dormant in a spiraling world. Asleep at the wheel yet going no where. I have been dragged and pushed and lifted along the way but I stayed grounded in my ignorance that this was MY war. Responsibility lies within my truth, but the connections refuse to entangle within me. How do I learn to let all this go. The answers elude me, my quest is solitary. No one can hope, or love enough for me, outside forces just aren’t enough. No one can will me to live through this, no doctor can revive me its all said and done. I use to think that therapy could save me, that someone else could pay the price for me. That time is past, I oversee my direction, it is lonely wilderness. No direction, no idealistic patron rooting me on. Just me, here, in a flighty pursuit.